


Don't Listen to my "I Love You's"

by SonneKa



Series: KomaHina Secret Exchange [6]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: During SDR2's Chapter 5, Komaeda's POV, M/M, So... Everything that happens during that chapter I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22698133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonneKa/pseuds/SonneKa
Summary: Prompt: "What was Nagito thinking in regards to Hajime as he sets up his plan in DR2 chapter 5?"From one of the lattest KomaHina Secret Exchanges (the last one I participated!).
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Series: KomaHina Secret Exchange [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031142
Kudos: 33





	Don't Listen to my "I Love You's"

" _Please, don't forget. From the bottom of my heart, I am truly in love with the hope that sleeps inside you._ " 

Those were his words back then. He thought of them as if they were a distant memory, even if they'd been said barely a couple of days by now. 

He didn't know if Hinata even cared at that time, less whether he would've forgotten about it or not. Even though Komaeda asked him not to forget his words, he was the one that couldn't erase them from his memory. It made his chest hurt, heart pounding every time he remembered. 

Hinata probably thought he was lying back then, since Komaeda wanted him not to believe anything he said in the first place. Therefore, there was no way he would even stop to think the true meaning of his words; and, actually, even Komaeda wasn't sure of what everything he said signified. 

It was far too late for all of that, though. After everything he came to know... His admiration for his classmates, plus the big amount of appreciation he felt for Hinata, was utterly gone. 

How could he appreciate, admire and even love or care for people who were despair themselves? 

No room for hope, and that meant no room for him to care. 

The night after the last trial, the fourth one, he stayed by his own inside his cottage. Laying on the bed, he had all his fingers tearing out his hair as if that would be enough to calm him down. 

His bottom lip had been bitten so much that, at some point, it started bleeding. But he didn't care, he was way too busy keeping his thoughts together for that. 

Komaeda wanted to believe it was all his luck's fault. As if it could change the past to make it all despair colored, which wouldn't be surprising since it was just that unpredictably weird and had no explanation whatsoever. 

But whether it was all the fortune's doing or not, the only way he could think about all those successes was taking them as the undeniable truth. 

A little bit of focused now, he breathed in and let his thoughts form a puzzle in his mind, _hoping_ it would all get down together somehow. 

Hoping... 

_Hope..._ That was the first piece to engage. But although it seemed easy, Komaeda still couldn't get it. 

How could the Ultimate students be able to cause so much despair when they were supposed to be hope themselves in the first place? 

And, the thing that was hurting his head the most: 

How could someone as talentless a Hinata be able to become hope itself? The Ultimate Hope all by himself, full of artificial talent that seemed to be enough to give him a name like that one. 

Komaeda started thinking how would he have felt around someone like him. Would he have been amazed by what his "hope" meant? His memories were all lost now, but he couldn't help thinking that, at some point, he would have believed he was fully hope and wouldn’t think otherwise. 

He closed his eyes, frowning. Now it wasn't the time to be thinking about things like that, it even seemed as if he were giving up on the puzzle he once started. 

Why was it always like that when it came to Hinata? 

It hurt too when it was about thinking how all his classmates, including himself, turned into despair. But with Hinata it was way more painful... 

It was stupid of him to get attached like that, how wasn't he able to control his own feelings? He knew how bad things would turn out if he didn't, but seemed not to care at all. 

At some point, he was hopeful. Komaeda felt closer to Hinata than to anyone else in a long time in his life, he even began to think that maybe things would really work out in the end if he stayed by his side. 

But perhaps he spoke too soon, he forgot all the despair that followed his beloved hope. And even after all of those facts hitting him, he was denying them inside his mind... within the bottom of his heart. 

" _I know you don't matter at all, so why do I care about you? You admire_ _hope,_ _I love hope... In some ways we are similar, but maybe that difference is what's making me so emotional._ " 

At that time, just before the last trial started, he spoke his heart out to Hinata. As if that would make any difference, as if he would mind. But that wasn't his idea at all. It only served to give him an explanation, the perfect excuse he needed to understand his own feelings. 

What was he feeling? Obviously, it wasn’t hope. It hurt way too much to be hope. 

Was it despair then? Maybe, no one would know. 

The only thing he knew was that having Hinata on his mind was killing him slowly, not having anything at hand to fight that. So poisonous… 

Poison… 

Monokuma’s Special Poison were the words written on that little bottle Komaeda had on his hands. 

The first thought crossing his mind wondering what would be more painful, the poison itself or not being able to express his feelings properly? 

He smirked, a laugh almost escaping his lips. He knew there was going to be a great use for that poison, just not yet. 

Meanwhile he’d had to fight against his feelings for a while. It wouldn’t be complicated, or so he thought. 

In the end, he only had to smile to despair in the name of hope. 

* * *

Weak... 

How ironic. 

Komaeda had accused his “classmates” of being weak, them being all scared and shady by the fact there was a traitor among them. It was bound to happen that they wouldn’t be able to face the problem properly, they were as weak as Komaeda said they were. 

However, it wasn’t as if he was able to face his own problems either. Indeed, he was as weak as them all. Not trusting anyone, not even his own words or thoughts, was becoming a stressing routine he didn’t ask to have. 

There was no way he would be able to talk about his problems with anyone, somehow he’d have to get used to that matter. It was painful, despair inducing. 

“ _That weakness is hopeless._ ” 

Those words that he’d spat with anger at his classmates were only the reflection of his own thoughts in ruins. 

How was he able to accuse them of running away from their problems when he himself was, in fact, doing the exact same thing? 

Every time he got asked about what he was plotting, what had he been doing, there was no way he would get to answer directly. After all, it was way easier to just avoid the topic by being disrespectful towards everyone else surrounding him. There was no way anyone had to be able to know how he felt, how weak he truly was in the end. 

No one, not a single soul, not even he himself. He had to lie to his thoughts, to his feelings, as if that were a possible escape from his problems. 

At least, he was able to escape and get his mind together away from everyone else. 

Komaeda knew perfectly well no one wanted to find him, no one wanted to be near him. Of course, why would they? He was being an asshole to all of them, why would they even care about what he was doing? 

Those questions had been answered, keeping him calm and collected for once. Again, he had to start the puzzle in his head. Piece by piece, thought by thought. 

That island, the fifth one, had to have lots of interesting things to work with, to plot with. The military base hadn’t disappointed at all, it was full of stuff that would make his plan easier. All the pieces seemed to be meant to be found and put on place, his work wouldn’t be difficult at all. 

But, on the other hand, his plan was not the only thing in mind. His weaknesses: his painful feelings, the hopelessness surrounding him since the moment all those damned files were read by him, it was getting harder to ignore. Although he recognized its discomfort and tried to numb it all, it was still there. No matter how much he tried to see hope, despair was still overcoming him. 

Komaeda tried to go back to what was important: the plan to weed out the traitor. The military base was so full of useful things that he didn’t know where to start. The puzzle in his head getting together all over again, one more time. 

But he wouldn’t be able to get it done though. A voice calling him from behind not only froze him to the bones, also left his mind blank and with his attempt of puzzle completely messed up. 

“Komaeda... ¿Can I talk to you?” 

It was Hinata’s voice. No other voice would’ve made him feel that way. Control over himself completely gone, heart pounding faster and faster. He was probably going to start shaking, which would clearly indicate the anxiousness he was feeling, and if the other boy was cautious enough he could ruin all his plans. Unfortunately, thinking that way only made his heart throb harder. It hurt, air barely reaching his lungs. 

“I thought that maybe we could spend some time together... W-What do you think about that?” just hearing Hinata’s voice trembling was enough to make Komaeda recover the little confidence he had on himself. Smirking, he finally turned around to face the other. 

“Oh, Hinata-kun,” he replied as friendly as possible, still feeling his jaw trembling a little bit, “I’m really sorry. Though I appreciate that you want to spend time with me, I have a lot of things to do right now.” 

Hinata frowned, and at that moment Komaeda’s smile started to fade away. “What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you just tell me if...?” 

“I’m completely fine!” He placed a hand on Hinata’s shoulder, successfully cutting his words out. “So don’t worry about me, have fun with the others!” 

“I’m being serious, Komaeda.” 

No matter how much he tried, it seemed Hinata wouldn’t let him go that easily. But, even so, instead of feeling scared of being found out, he simply was upset. It was a boring conversation, and it had no sense at all. He moved his hand from the other’s shoulder as soon as he knew he started shaking again. This time not from fear, but from anger. 

“You’ve been acting all weird and it would be awesome if you shared what you found out with everyone else. Because you’re not the only one trapped on this island, you know? You’re just causing so many more problems for everyone. Nobody, not even you, needs that!” 

“Didn’t you hear what I just said?” he rose his voice, just to stay at the level of Hinata’s. He didn’t have time to argue with him. “I have some business to take care of, so go away!” 

In the end, Komaeda got what he wanted. Hinata was out of words, or at least didn’t even try to continue arguing like that, so he simply went away. 

But somehow, he wasn’t glad that happened. Again, it started hurting. Chest pounding and stomach feeling painfully empty. Although he did what was right, it felt wrong. 

What was wrong about shutting Hinata out? 

What was wrong about not telling him the whole truth? 

What was wrong about him being already gone? 

The answers to those three questions were all the same: “there was nothing wrong”. Even so, not even Komaeda believed in that answer. 

He was lying to himself all the time, when would that pain be over? That game of playing pretend wasn’t funny anymore, he was exposing himself way too much and was barely handling it. At that point, he was afraid of looking at Hinata again in the eyes and not being able to lie to him again. 

No matter how much he knew about the past they all had forgotten, all the moments and memories constructed during their time on the island were the only ones vivid and actually real. 

Maybe those moments were the ones not letting him think properly and making his heart ache every time he thought about Hinata. 

He couldn’t escape the past but less he could escape from the present. What could he actually escape from? Could he even escape? 

Sighing, one more time, he went back to all the business he actually had to take care of, hoping he would come up with something quickly enough to let himself forget. Maybe that way he would actually escape from all his weaknesses. 

Weak... 

How ironic. 

* * *

It had been a really long day. And even though night came fast, everything didn’t seem to be over yet. That same night Komaeda ran into Nanami, who invited him to the lobby. At first he didn’t mind, he was pretty sure it wasn’t only her doing so he prepared himself to go and find everyone else at the meeting point. 

As soon as he left the cottage he couldn’t help but wonder what could his classmates be plotting about, maybe they would tie him up again just like they’d already done once. Yes, he was ninety percent sure that was going to happen. 

He started walking, but not too far from his cottage he came to a stop. Turning his head to his side, curiosity was calling him, Komaeda stared at Hinata’s cottage. Was he there? If he was, then there was no plan at all? Or… maybe nobody counted on him for the plan in the end? 

He chuckled, maybe he was being way too mean. In the end, it seemed everybody else doubted Hinata as the possible traitor, and they had all the right to do so. In the end, he was just a nobody, right? 

Komaeda tried to convince himself about that, since knowing “the whole truth” about Hinata left him with that bitter taste of distrust and annoyance. 

In an attempt to keep all those thoughts out of his head for once and for all, Komaeda headed towards the other’s cottage door. Stood there a few seconds, hesitantly. On one hand, he wanted him to stay there. But, on the other hand, he knew perfectly well that Hinata not being involved in that “lobby meeting” didn’t mean anything at all. Then, what was he hesitating about? 

Releasing a long breath he didn’t know he was holding for so long, Komaeda knocked the door. There was no way back after it actually opened. 

Hinata stood still right in front of him, frozen for at least a second, which made Komaeda recover his confidence. Cynically smiling, he took a step in while greeting the other. 

“Komaeda!? You… What are you doing here?” it was the question he was obviously waiting for. But… what was he going to explain his reasons? 

“You sure ask weird questions.” 

And he knew that was also a weird and nonsensical way to respond. In fact, he almost bit his bottom lip as if that would make him stop talking. There was no way he had to start saying things that didn’t go anywhere, he had to focus on his intentions. 

Obviously, his _unique_ intentions. 

“I mean, Nanami-san invited me to the lobby so I guess everyone has some business with me, right?” the scary face Hinata made at that moment made Komaeda relax for a moment. “So, I guess I’m right… Is everyone at the lobby by now, aren’t they?” 

“You even know that…” Komaeda should’ve felt bad that he had the whole reason all along. But, instead, he just was kind of disappointed. His chest started hurting again but, at that point, he was simply ignoring it. 

“And, just as I thought, you were left out!” he started smiling again. “It’s understandable, since you’re are no ultimate at all it was pretty obvious they wouldn’t want you in their plans.” 

Hinata raised an eyebrow and looked away. Yes, as he expected, he was completely annoyed. It was better having that Hinata than the one that wanted to see right through him. No, Komaeda wouldn’t let that happen to him ever again. 

“So... why don’t we go to the lobby? I also have some business with you guys.” 

“…You do?” 

Avoiding Hinata’s question, he kept on talking. “I don’t know what you are planning, but I’m looking forward to it! So just let’s go already.” 

He turned around to the door, hoping Hinata would be following him no matter what. Instead, he called him from behind. The pounding in his heart that he was attempting to ignore all along, became erratic and obvious. One couldn’t simply ignore that, it was paralyzing his whole body at once. 

“Huh?” he slowly went back to look behind him, Hinata was staring at him with a deadpan face that only told him there was no way he would follow him as if they were close to or something. After all, they’d stopped being close a long time ago anyways… 

“Are you really sure you have something to tell _us_?” Hinata emphasized the word “us”, or maybe Komaeda put that emphasis by himself. For a moment he thought not answering his question was the best idea, but since it seemed to only make him even more suspicious so he simply replied. 

“I truly do, why would I lie about something like that?” His voice sounding as sincere as possible, with a unique peaceful tone in it. If he believed his own words, then he could make others believe them the same way. Even so, his jaw was shaking a little bit. 

“I don’t know… Since you’ve already said so many lies, why wouldn’t this be one of them?” 

Frowning, Komaeda fully turned to face Hinata. “What would be the point of it? I’m basically falling for your trap, the one I barely know about, and you think I’m lying about me having some things to tell you all?” 

“Then why aren’t you already in the lobby talking to everyone else? Why are you even here? What then? You came to keep on telling me how talentless I am? Was that part of the things you wanted to tell me?” Hinata smirked and a chuckle escaped his lips. 

Komaeda froze, speechless. Who lasts laughs, laughs better it seemed. 

He had no answer for the other’s questions, less for his own. Even though he already said why he went to Hinata’s cottage for, it didn’t feel like a good explanation. It was because it wasn’t an explanation whatsoever, it was just an excuse. 

An excuse for what? What was he going to win by visiting Hinata? He truly thought it was part of the plan of gathering everyone together at the lobby but… Why not knocking everyone else’s doors then? Why only his? 

“You make me laugh, Komaeda.” Despite his words, Hinata was as serious as he ever was. “I want to talk to you alone and you shut me out, then you say you have business with everyone else but are speaking to me only. What do you want to say? What are you hiding from me?” 

“From you?” 

It hit like an arrow shot right into his chest. Why was Hinata doubting and even thinking of analyzing his thoughts? He hadn’t done that before, when he had the opportunity to make it worth it, doing it now was completely useless. 

Why was Hinata making him doubt about his intentions now? Did he now have the talent of “looking right through someone” or what? It was annoying. 

“I’m not hiding anything, and I don’t have anything to tell you, specifically.” 

“Then, Komaeda, tell me… Why are you here for?” 

Another arrow hitting his chest. Was it that hard to believe him? Had it always been like this? 

Hinata was acting as if he knew better than him, which he didn’t. Or maybe, just maybe, he was actually right. Looking right through Komaeda had to be so easy, someone like him being seen right through. He couldn’t let that happen, it was way too late for that to happen. 

He got ignored more than three times everything regarding his feelings, and this time wouldn’t be an exception. 

“Well, are you going to let me talking alone or what?” Hinata immediately asked, still acting all too confident in a way Komaeda didn’t feel comfortable with. However, it didn’t make him fall for anything. 

“Didn’t you hear what I’ve already said?” Komaeda snapped, all the nervousness he was feeling blowing away. “I have some business with all of you, and that includes you even though you’re a sad nobody with no talent at all and wasn’t even invited to be part of the others’ plan.” 

In spite of his words, he knew deep inside there were a lot of reasons to be in Hinata’s cottage. In some way, he expected that conversation to happen. In other way, he knew how bad it would feel for him. But despite all the expectations he could’ve put up, he wouldn’t have thought how difficult it would be to turn the conversation around to his own favor. 

In the end, it seemed he was getting what he wanted, Hinata was going to shut up forever after everything he said. Even so, it didn’t quit the fact that Komaeda himself didn’t believe his own words at all. It was going to hit him hard later, he knew. But, what else could he do? Saying out loud every thought he had in mind was a really bad idea, and he was always pretty careful not to let that happen. 

“So let’s hurry to the lobby. They’re all waiting for me to be there, right? And I’m sure you’re expecting that to happen too.” 

One more time, Komaeda went back to face the cottage’s door. This time, he wouldn’t turn around even if Hinata only stayed there and didn’t follow him. That silly thought hit him with a nostalgia he couldn’t help to feel... 

At it, he smiled and a small laugh almost escaped his lips. 

“When we first arrived to this island, we were friends who explored this place together! So let’s go already!” 

Even though he’d been promising himself not to say his thoughts out loud, they went out of hand again. His bottled up feelings always found a way to set sail, not that he could help them. It hurt to have them all inside, but he felt it was more painful when it came to the fact that Hinata simply didn’t even understand them. 

It was better that way, but it hurt anyways. 

And they finally went to the lobby, where everything exploded. Not only Komaeda showed he wasn’t lying about anything, or almost anything he told Hinata, but also showed how little of time was left for all that despair to end. 

Komaeda was feeling it near: the end, caressing him and welcoming him with a promise of the greatest hope to come. 

Maybe it was way too late for him to feel hopeful, but it was never too late to end with despair. 

When the whole lobby was in flames, Komaeda not only showed how much on control was on the whole situation. He could also sense and see the fear in all his classmates’ eyes, feeling the despair overcoming them such like it was happening to him. 

Even so, he barely looked at Hinata. Not that he couldn’t, but he already showed himself the weakest to make him win again. 

Not this time, not any time. 

It was the last time he’d have a word alone with Hinata. Later, he would probably regret it. Right at the moment, it was the best he could do. 

Yeah… 

The best… 

The best for who? 

* * *

Was it really the end? Komaeda had his plan being pure perfection and, even so, he felt empty. Overcoming despair for it to become hope wasn’t as easy as it seemed, although he could have his luck by his side. 

He learned to know that, in almost every case, things wouldn’t go as he expected. This time, he was almost praying for it to be just the way he wanted. 

Everything was ready: loud music, those stupid Monokuma panels strategically put so they would fall one by one like a domino once someone opened the door, a good lighter, even a damn Monokuma plush toy… 

The rope, the knife, the spear… 

He himself seeming tied up, cuts all over him, tape on his mouth stifling his screams and… fears. 

What was he scared about? Things couldn’t go wrong, he always trusted his luck no matter what. 

Even so, he couldn’t help it. The pain in his chest grew wilder and there was no way he could control it anymore. Despite thinking and even knowing the only way to reach hope was killing any trace of despair, and that being all of his classmates including himself with the exception of the traitor, something about that way of thinking didn’t feel good inside him. 

Would it be true hope? 

More importantly… 

Would it be _his_ true hope? 

… 

What was he even hoping for? 

Laying there, all alone with the spear hanging above him, so threatening, left him with too much space for thinking. Komaeda wanted everything to end fast, to be successful but as fast as possible. Because he was barely standing his thoughts anymore, they were even more deadly than poison… 

And yeah… Poison… 

The most important part of the plan… 

He wasn’t scared of it, he didn’t seem to care until the storage room’s door opened and his plan started to play. Maybe it was the smoke what clouded his mind and made his thoughts so annoying in the end. 

The fear he swore not to feel, now was overcoming him. Was this really going to be hopeful? Why did it feel so hopeless then? 

Looking up to the wall, there was a window he didn’t notice until then… 

With all the madness of the moment, he even thought that maybe that window was a good way to escape… Or a way for him to be saved. 

Could he be saved? 

Did he want to be saved? 

What if he actually did? 

Inside his mind, not only everyone else but the traitor was the enemy, he himself was also his own enemy. Maybe things could’ve gone differently… 

Maybe there was a way of overcoming despair, by not being alone… 

Maybe he could actually have trusted… 

He knew there was no way to change the past, and now he couldn’t change the present either. Why were past actions so overwhelming when the present seemed so hopeful and nice? 

All those days in the island, the time spent with everyone… with Hinata… 

Had it all been despair? 

No, he couldn’t deny he felt hope shining inside him during those moments, and even so much happiness… 

Why did it have to end like that? Why did he have to be the only one to be bothered about the past? 

He should’ve have trusted… 

At least, he should’ve trusted Hinata. 

He seemed to do so, but coding his words only worsened the problem. Hinata tried to understand him in the end… And he didn’t. 

No… He simply _couldn’t_. 

He wanted to understand him but Komaeda himself didn’t want to let him in. All the things he wanted to say, every single feeling in his heart, they were kept for himself and no one else was able to see them. 

At that thought… He started to regret a lot of things. 

The moment his vision started fading, he knew the real poison was already coursing through his veins. Or maybe, just maybe, it was simply the pounding in his heart that now was out of control. 

He couldn’t help thinking that all his plan only did was causing more despair. Left him with taste of hesitation, fear and disappointment… 

The feelings he didn’t get to say now were ending him at last. 

It all led to the conclusion that there was no hope left. 

He wanted to believe there was an opportunity left. Even if it seemed there wasn’t… 

Finally, his thoughts started to shut up, to fade. 

It wasn’t a despair inducing end, less a hopeful one. 

It was just an end… 

… 

Was it, though? 

* * *

“Hey…” 

That voice… He knew it pretty well. 

It was Hinata’s, right? 

He felt his heart throbbing, a pain that was long forgotten until now. But instead of making him feel uneasy, it only made him feel like everything was alright. 

_Feeling_ … wasn’t he supposed to be dead already? 

Was he actually dead? 

“Can you hear me?” 

When he opened his languid eyes and saw Hinata’s figure right above him, it was at that moment he realized that his luck always was by his side even if it didn’t seem like that. 

He had the other opportunity he was hoping for… 

Hoping… 

Hope… 

Was that his hope? An opportunity to start it all over again? An opportunity to finally say all his thoughts out loud with no shame anymore? 

It wasn’t an end at all. 

In fact, everything was just beginning. 


End file.
